Last week, my word for the week was peace. I wanted to begin to see what our new normal would look like as a family of six. I am not sure where to begin. We spent a great deal of last week trying to pinpoint which foods caused Gavin’s belly to be upset. He seemed to be most affected by foods I ate at dinner time and he was most upset after his 3am feeding. As you can imagine this made for a pretty tired mama. I think we have narrowed down the problematic foods, and he is sleeping better. Score.
Simultaneously, the girls seemed to have energy oozing from their veins just waiting to say hello to spring time. The days were flying by. In a hazy way that you neither remember nor smile upon. If I were being really honest they were the days where tempers (old and young) seem to spike at a moment’s notice. We were asking for forgiveness and having to regroup quite a bit. All of this left me feeling deflated, yearning for more patience. One of the days I walked into Joel’s office and asked how the week could be passing so quickly because I felt like I was only blinking. Moments felt like I was racing against the clock all the while losing time.
My soul was asking for more grace. For myself. For my family. Without asking for it, the endurance of my patience was being tested. I felt like I was failing.
Then I read these words: “If all the work of transfiguring the ugly into the beautiful pleases God, it is a work of beauty.” , Ann Voskamp.
Last night I tucked the girls in bed and Sophie told me “Mom, I really love you.” And, after all was settled down, I was sitting on the couch with Joel who was holding Gavin. I called his name. He found my eyes and smiled at me. Really smiled at me. The whole week melted away. This motherhood gig is the hardest thing I have ever done. I want the hard days to mold me into someone I am not naturally so I can love better. I want my ugly hidden parts to melt away so I can see them with the beautiful grace. Ugly becomes beautiful. A beautiful exchange.
[All pictures taken Tuesday when Gavin turned one month old.]